No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
