if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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