I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
