i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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