i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize