mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She tied me up with her honor cords...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
