i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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