I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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