I'm jealous of your bromance
I faked an abortion last night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
