I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
