he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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