All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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