I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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