we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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