you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do vagina's smell?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
