Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm passing your future prison.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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