Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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