He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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