I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
