our cab driver is having phone sex.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
