Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she woke up with a sticky ear
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
