Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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