Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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