I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
