Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
