When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
