I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
