I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You've changed since you got that strap on
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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