I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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