They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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