Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I think my vagina is haunted
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Let's get the cat blown out
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
