I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
