Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
