Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
