i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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