best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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