What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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