Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
