Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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