i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize