Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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