Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
