yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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