you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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