so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
50% drunk capacity currently
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
