You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
