Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
