no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
