On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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