id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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