Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
