Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
