you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
