It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
