Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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