So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize