Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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